Sensible Gun Control

The quickest way to get meaningful gun control would be to allow anyone to open-carry guns anywhere—airports, schools, churches, and especially in all government buildings and offices. If guns were allowed in the Capitol, White House, and Supreme Court, we’d have reasonable gun control tomorrow.

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Unfixable Crimes

Dear media, you are being used. You are playing right into the hands of a dangerous madman. You are disseminating propaganda and terror by giving too much oxygen to a lying fascist and white supremacist. For the sake of your own credibility and a fragile democracy, please stop playing video clips of the president. You can report on what he says and does without incessantly showing clips of him lying. It doesn’t matter if you tell us before and/or after showing the clips that it’s a lie—the clip is more powerful. And he knows it. If a picture is worth a thousand words, a video clip is worth a million.

He is using you to spread hate and distract. Stop playing along.

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Before You Go

Dear Kevin,

When you were little you didn’t like when we over explained things to you. You were an extremely curious kid. (You still are.) Like a detective you’d ask a lot of questions to get at the truth, or at least your understanding of it. But once your curiosity had been satisfied, you wanted us to stop talking. You had no patience for anything that sounded preachy. When you sensed a lecture or sermon coming on, you’d interrupt and say, “I don’t want to know. And I don’t want you to tell me.” So please forgive us for writing this letter of unsolicited advice.

What follows are things we have come to believe and value about life and the human experience. Much of it we learned from you, by being your dads. All of the sentiments expressed below have been said or written by others, and with more eloquence than us. And our thoughts are repetitive, disjointed, and scattered. One passage may contradict another—sometimes in the same sentence—but that’s life: a complicated, repetitive, disjointed, random, beautiful mess. The route is seldom a direct express.

The tone below veers into commencement speech territory, including generalizations and nauseating clichés commonly heard at graduations. But since neither of us are likely to ever deliver a graduation commencement speech, this is our attempt at passing on what we’d like to believe is wisdom, all of which you are free to ignore. (Skip past the dotted lines if “you don’t want us to tell you.”)

So from us to you, in no particular order, here goes.

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Water Maine Break

Maine Senator Susan Collins has said she won’t support a Supreme Court nominee hostile to Roe v. Wade.

DON’T BELIEVE HER!

She voted for Neil Gorsuch. She voted for Samuel Alito. She voted for John Roberts. Each are hostile to Roe v. Wade (among many other freedoms and protections we take for granted). What I think she is trying to do is limit calls, demonstrations, and pressure from her constituents.

Remember last year when she voted for the tax reform bill because she said she had received an “ironclad” promise from Mitch McConnell and Mike Pence to pass legislation to stabilize ObamaCare premiums. When’s that vote happening? She was lied to. She was betrayed. And now I’m sure she will be offered an “ironclad” promise again in return for a vote to confirm a Supreme Court pick. She will believe their lies again. She will cave in again. And she (and the country) will be betrayed again.

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Freedom and Fake News

Anyone who knows me or reads this blog knows I’m not a big fan of the television news media. And by news, I mean legit news organizations, not the sly-as-a-fox-make-shit-up-to-brainwash-our-viewers-in-order-to-serve-our-oligarchic-agenda “news.”

CNN, MSNBC, ABC, CBS, PBS, BBC, etc., are all legit news. I may not like the way they present the news, um, I mean BREAK the news, since it’s always BREAKING NEWS with fancy graphics, ominous scoring, and dramatic language—for Pete’s sake, I’m watching the news, not a James Cameron movie—but they are legitimate.

I wish they’d stop trying to entertain me and just give me the facts.

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Blow Out the Candles

Before the phone rings and my parents cackle-sing “Happy Birthday” into my ear then ask me what kind of cake or pastry I want for my birthday dessert, I wish to address our dear leader and make some birthday wishes of my own.

Dear leader,

It is an honor and privilege to turn another year older under your noble reign. May you transfer so much wealth from the poor to the rich that Putin needs to build more Russian banks to hold all the money. May the sick without healthcare not die on the sidewalks in front of your towers. May Mar-a-Lago always rise above sea level. May you detain and deport many Mexican rapists. May facts remain as elusive as your tax returns. May you find the 3 million people who voted illegally. May your faithful followers, especially the Sean Calamity Shamity asslickers, forever defend your cons, lies, vulgarity, indecency, bullying, and cruelty while whining about how victimized they are by liberals. May they always believe fake news and never wake up to the truth. May your every tee shot be a hole-in-one.

And most of all, when your time comes, may God show you more mercy and grace than you did for his children.

The phone’s ringing.

So, dear leader, as you blow out the candles on the planet, let us eat cannoli cake.

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We Are Not Enemies

Dear conservative friends and family,

I am not your enemy. And you are not my enemy. But you’d never know that from the information you receive. I have tuned into Fox. I have read Breitbart. The overwhelming message they send is that I, your friend and loved one, should be despised, ridiculed, and, yes, some even say eradicated.

Think about that.

No, really, think about it.

Turn off the TV or radio and get quiet with that thought.

Is your happiness really dependent upon my demise?

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