Before You Go

Get involved! Volunteer Exercise. Nourish your hobbies and stay active in team sports.

The world will try to define, categorize, and suppress you in many subtle and overt ways. This is your life. Sculpt and mold yourself. Sometimes you’ll do this with a blunt chisel, sometimes with the brush of a feather. But never stop fine tuning. That said, sometimes you can tinker and tweak until you’re blue in the face. At some point the project, essay, experiment, formula, recipe, game plan, strategy, creation is done. Put it away and move on.

Be present. It’s the only place you ever truly are. You are almost always where you are meant to be, otherwise you’d be someplace else. So be in the here and now and be fully engaged. If you feel unbearably stuck or trapped in any situation, take one step at a time to change your situation. If even taking one small step feels impossible, then you must let go. This is not the same as giving up. Never give up. But trying to change what’s impossible in the present moment is futile and will only cause you immense anxiety and strengthen your inner critic. (Heed this guy, but then ignore his voice. The inner critic is just a bully that hates change.) Let go and tell the universe you need things to change and prepare yourself for when the universe, somewhat miraculously, presents you with the opportunity. It will, but only when you stop pressing for it to happen. Sometimes you must let go to go.

Take deep breaths. Be still. Stillness, like letting go, is not easy in our society. It requires active practice and prioritization.

Be patient. It’s true that patience is a virtue. Be ambitious. But know that ambition, in and of itself, is not a virtue. It’s good to have ambitions, but they don’t make you any more virtuous or better or worse than the anyone else.

Be a skeptic, not a cynic. Skeptics question and seek answers. Cynics criticize, whine, and complain.

Be grateful. Practice gratitude. Say “thank you” and “please.” Manners do matter. You are already so good at this. Keep it up. Life is so much easier when you are grateful and thankful instead of bitter and jealous. If envy takes hold of you, see what you can do to obtain or acquire that of which you are envious, whether it be a character trait, position, or recognition. Seek opportunities. Be hopeful. But remember in the end you only need to recognize yourself.

Apologize when you are wrong, and forgive when you have been wronged. Both are easier to do than building up resentments and regrets in order to protect your ego and pride.

Be gentle. Be flexible. But be firm in defending your values.

Pick your battles, especially the big ones that will mostly be with yourself. You will learn when and how to fight or flee. Surrender can sometimes lead to victory.

Be serious and diligent to get things done and light enough to let things go. Keep playfulness alive in your heart and relationships.

Practice the art of listening. Don’t just wait for your turn to speak. Observe and remember what people say and, more importantly, what they do. Listening actually makes your voice stronger.

You will hear things in life over and over that are presented like creeds, but are not always true. Things like “the early bird catches the worm”. You know what the early bird doesn’t catch? Enough sleep. You need your sleep more than you need the worm.

Or “money can’t buy happiness.” Something said only by people who have it. Okay, maybe it is true that money can’t buy pure inner joy or core contentment, but it can certainly help with providing comfort, ease worry, opportunity, and mobility. Have a healthy relationship with obtaining, saving, and spending money. Guard against greed, it is money’s ugly side effect.

Another saying, “all men [sic] are created equal,” sounds nice, but it isn’t true. We are not all born into places, situations, and families of privilege. Good for those who are. This doesn’t make them any more special or better than anyone else.

In many ways, you are privileged. Use your privilege for good. But because of your innate skin color, or the fact that you have two dads, you will encounter bias, prejudice, and vitriol. Other people’s prideful ignorance will shock you. And some will even demand that you respect and tolerate their bigotry. You do not need to tolerate bullies, brutes, liars, hypocrites, and other willfully intolerant haters. Educate and advocate when you can. We have much work to do when it comes to social justice, gender equality, and economic fairness. You know right from wrong. Use that as your guide.

Don’t waste your time being around people who suck the energy and life out of you. In time you will develop the ability to weed out the toxic forces in your life. Be wary of those who claim offense from trigger words. Yes, you should be sensitive and empathetic with others, but if you indulge everyone’s every trigger or perceived slight—real or imagined—you will end up walking around on eggshells all day long, exhausted and joyless. If you are triggered, don’t expect others to coddle you. Your safe space resides inside of you, or with trusted friends and family.

Don’t scroll down; that’s where the trolls reside.

One saying we’ve found holds up is “time heals all wounds.” It does. Mostly. Some pain lingers, but things always get better. Good friends and good music help shorten the healing time. So does walking in nature, jogging, uninhibited dancing, and singing at the top of your lungs in the shower. In other words, keep your heart active and engaged and it will ache less.

We fear your generation will be faced with existential challenges, crises, and chaos. Out of this tumult exists the opportunity for a new world to take shape. Just remember: climate change is real. The earth is round. Some people’s brains are flat. Con artists roam free. Don’t fall prey to their false promises. Opinions, no matter the passion or force behind them, are not facts. And facts can be manipulated. Think critically. Do your research. Keep an open mind. Put your faith in evidence and observable science. God may or may not exist. But the divine is not elusive. It is all around us. And so is love. Allow it to transform and transcend you.

Be gentle with others’ hearts. It’s so easy to be reckless and take for granted those we love and are loved by. Never take love for granted. Live by the golden rule: treat others as you would like to be treated. So this means you must also treat yourself with the same kindness and respect you show others. Love yourself. Love your body. Every inch. Every pound. Every pore. Every hair. Every scar. Every mole. Every wrinkle.

Vote! In every election. It always matters. And it would matter a lot more if you didn’t have the right. Exercise it. Common perception is elections are always about choosing between the lesser of evils. The folks who believe this either haven’t done enough research or they’ve fallen prey to media reports that feed into and perpetuate this narrative. It’s a ploy to suppress voter turnout. Don’t get suppressed.

Work hard. But know that working hard doesn’t always lead to success, however you define it. And by working hard we really mean working efficiently and managing your time wisely. You will meet many people who appear to work hard, but actually do very little except work hard at keeping up the appearance of working hard. Then there are those who work harder than needed because they haven’t learned how to work or manage time efficiently. If you can do both, you will be an asset to yourself and your cohorts no matter what you do in life.

Strive for balance between work and life. Seek employers who value that balance and provide it to anyone you employ. Our culture has a distorted relationship with play and leisure. We exalt people who live to work instead of those who work to live. Never feel guilty for having and enjoying your well-earned leisure time. Don’t squander it. As much as you can, turn off the devices and read a book, newspaper, or magazine. Write, paint, sing, dance, hike, walk. Get outdoors. Soak up as much nature as you can; it is food for your soul.

You will almost always have people you work for. Some of these people might be called clients, patients, or customers. And you, too, will be a client, patient, or customer. Know this: the customer is almost always wrong. But no matter what side of the equation you’re on at any given moment, be respectful, even when you feel others aren’t worthy of your respect.

Live simply and small. The accumulation of unnecessary stuff weighs you down. And over time, it can suffocate you. Purge as if you have only a small studio apartment in which to store everything. Prune the excess.

Intimate relationships are like gardens. They need to be nurtured and cared for. If you water the soil, provide light, and pick out the weeds, the roots will get stronger and the leaves brighter. There will be rocky times and bumps in any relationship. But not every bump is a deal breaker. Communicate and try to work it out. Compromise. If/when you do work things out, your relationship will be more fulfilling and resilient. (There’s that word again.)

Most people are kind and trustworthy. But like we mentioned before, there are many deceitful scammers. If one of these dishonorable stains on humanity ever present you with what appears to be the deal of a lifetime, do not sign on the dotted line. Trust Papa on this one. No contract is better than a bad contract, especially one made with a dishonest and dishonorable actor.

Don’t let fear and insecurity become straight-jackets. Dance and sing and whistle until they become involuntary habits.

Be thoughtful of your choices. But don’t dwell on them. (Dad excels at this.) Life isn’t like diffusing a bomb. You’ll be fine and adjust to whatever path you choose or don’t choose. Sometimes it’s more about what you don’t choose. But mostly it’s all chance and curve balls. At times, you may doubt the path you’re on. We still have doubts. But fewer than we did 10 years ago, half as many as 20 years ago, and almost none compared to 30 years ago. Don’t allow doubt to paralyze you. Harping on the past is wasteful. Self-reflection and self-awareness are admirable traits that will serve you well no matter where the path takes you. Keep moving forward and doubt will diminish. It’s physics: kinetics over inertia.

Believe in yourself, even when it seems like no one else does. Be confident yet humble. Confidence without humility is narcissism. No one wants to be around a narcissist. Respect is earned, not demanded.

You may at times feel suffocated by hopelessness, loneliness, or despair. Sometimes all at once. A helpful technique that has worked for us is to get out. Reach out to friends and family. The people who love you will want to help in any way they can. And you are loved by more people than you know. Let them be there for you. And let them surprise you. Humans need to give and receive love to thrive.

Life can get lonely. You are the only one living with your thoughts 24 hours a day 7 days a week. You will need to rely on trustworthy friends in moments of despair and need. Allow them to lift you up. It’s a gift to them as well as yourself. True friends will rise to the occasion.

There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, it is more noble to seek assistance than it is to suffer in silence.

Express yourself. Don’t fear being vulnerable. Vulnerability is a strength. Underneath our veneers, we are all vulnerable. Our society sends then reinforces the message that you’re less of a man if you show tenderness, warmth, and affection. Society is wrong. Be tender, warm, and affectionate.

There will be highs when you feel like your heart will burst from an abundance of joy and love. But there will also be lows when you feel like your heart will burst from the sadness and pain. Both feelings mean you are human. Most of life happens somewhere in the in-between. It is how you handle the mundane, the boredom, the repetition, and the doldrums that will define who you are. Use the in-between to reflect and strengthen the core of your humanity.

And while we could go on and on, we will leave you with this final thought:

Take all unsolicited advice with a grain of salt. Unsolicited advice is usually more about the person giving it than the person receiving it.